Trina's (Personal) Journal Entry. 5

300 a.m-

Why the hell did Kendall have to leave? Dear God. I’m a ball of emotions in a spot where I could use her insight right now.

Jon’s voice went out. He was afraid that I’d put what I saw in my review.

I told him now that I wouldn’t, but also told him that I may in the future. He tried to hard to hit the high notes but his voice wouldn’t budge. Not one bit.

The band supported him 100% by strategically adding parts and changing arrangements to accommodate his voice.

I don’t care what he says. Something else is going on with his voice.

I’m truly concerned as a friend to ask him what’s going on, but I guess what I learned is when he’s ready to tell me, maybe he will.

Anyways after we got any feelings out over what I’d write and what he wasn’t going to say to about it, he and the guys prepared for the show.

He keeps to himself during this time. I wonder what he’s thinking? He mostly was playing his guitar and talking to his sound engineer, Obie O’Brien.

Obie is very funny. Very down to earth. It’s him and Jon’s assistant, Juanita McGregor that seem to make Jon feel the most at ease. Jon at this point needs them to get through the rest of this tour. Otherwise, I have a feeling he’d be a basket case.

Richie is also great person for Jon too. Loyal to the core, he never will let Jon or anyone else in that band down. To me, he is the band’s conscience and heart. If Jon breaks down, Richie will be right there to pick up the pieces for him. There is no question about that.

He, Jon and Obie seem like brothers, sharing secrets, an occasional laugh or two.

However it’s Jon that is the focus, their taskmaster, their hero. Whether he wants it or not, it’s a hard weight to be under.

But any doubts of how he feels magically leave when he’s on stage. He feeds off of the crowd’s energy. He’s jovial, centered and positive.

And he KISSED me. Before the show he kissed me. And I could literally feel the excitement and intensity brought to him by that crowd.

I counted the minutes until he walked off of the stage.

He told me that “Never Say Goodbye.” Was performed for me tonight. I drank in every word. Desperately wanting him to come back to me and kiss me like he had done before.

He did. Well, on the forehead, but only this time. I pulled back.

Why? Scared. He’s great. I don’t want to ruin what has been “so” great.

He’s a rock star that could have anyone. He doesn’t need someone like me who’s idea of a good is sitting at home and watching old movies while kicking back some pizza and beer.

Ally and Jon both told me during sound check earlier today that Dorothea was gone.

He was sad, but not. He felt good about the decision that was made between the two of them. To be honest, thank god. That was one last weight on his shoulders that he didn’t need.

I don’t know about my feelings yet. They are overwhelming and angering me at the same time.

Maybe I just need to focus like Kendall said. It’s going to be hard to do when Jon is as good-looking and as nice as he is. God give me strength…Please…Trina